Did you do that on purpose???

"Did you do that on purpose???" my husband asked me yesterday morning, as he watched me fix a glass of water.


Apparently he noticed that I had two birth control pills in my hand, instead of the usual one.


Let me explain a few things.


Number One:  I love babies, and I love being a mother.  I even love babies when they aren't babies anymore.  I love toddlers and young children and even those aggravating-as-heeeelllll pre-teens. I love my teenage nephews.  And if I were rich and had it my way, I would do a Dugger and make babies until my ovaries shut down (or I reached the age at which doing such things is risky for me and these hypothetical babies).


Number Two: We are not rich.  And I most definitely do not have it my way (right now).


Number Three:  My husband is a twin.  He knows firsthand how badly children can behave, because of how he and his twin behaved.  That terrifies him.


Now, with all that explained, we can all see why he would be worried about me skipping a pill on purpose.  But he KNOWS that I can't do that right now.  Let me throw out a few more details.


Number Four:  My best friend is getting married in February.  I recently was fitted for a dress that is paid for in full from a small, privately owned boutique.  Although getting pregnant now would only make me 3 1/2 months pregnant for said wedding, I'm not one of those Started-Showing-In-My-Third-Trimester pregnant women.  For me, peeing on a stick makes the baby bump appear.  And, as stated in Number Two, we are not rich by any means.  We are no where close to rich.  We live paycheck to paycheck like a lot of other people, and therefore can not afford to purchase a second dress to fit a pregnant me (or raise another baby right now).  And I REFUSE to not stand in this wedding, thank you very much.


Number Five: Our second (and youngest) child was born 2 1/2 months premature in 2010.  I was diagnosed with severe gestational hypertension 2 weeks before she was born, and I remained hospitalized until her birth.  This triggered severe separation anxiety with our oldest child, who just started school a month and a half ago.  It would be cruel and ignorant of me to purposely get pregnant again, because while the risk of a second premature birth is slight (we would automatically be a high risk pregnancy and would be closely monitored), it is there.  School has been a terrific help with the separation anxiety, but I would never say it is completely gone.  This is Thing Number One's (my oldest) time to shine.  He is the Pre-K star of our home right now, and it is definitely his turn to have the spotlight.  Thing Number Two was born under a spotlight, and is finally enjoying some quiet time with me and the rest of our family, just being a normal toddler, instead of The Baby Who Almost Didn't Survive.


Number Six:  We live in my parents' house.  With my parents.  Don't judge just yet, lol!!  When Thing Number Two was born, she was in the NICU for more than my entire period of maternity leave.  When she was discharged and allowed to come home over six weeks later, her doctors advised us against daycare because of her inadequate immune system.  That advise, plus financial issues (over $700 a month for daycare!!!!) led us to the inevitable decision for me to stay home with the kids.  I made less than my husband, so obviously he would be the one to keep working.  But with just one income, continuing to rent a house was out of the question.  We finished out our lease and moved in with my parents (this was their idea).  With all they've done for us, I could not possibly bring another child into this world without being in my own home.  The plan is to buy a house in December, but I do NOT want that crazy-eyed look from my mother that I know I would get if I dropped a baby-bomb on her before we leave the nest.


So.... did I do it on purpose?  Absolutely not.  Do I want more children? Yes, but I know that the right time isn't now.  Some of the reasons are practical and obvious.  Some of them are selfish.  But having a selfish reason for not having another baby only makes it more obvious that the time isn't right to do it, right????